A brief story

It all started when a bunch of nosy ladies at my old workplace were commenting "Hey Moni, you look like you've gained weight recently. Are you expecting?"

I laughed it off. "Si'i, hei'ilo. Ko e me'a pe ia he 'oku fafanga lelei'i pe au he hoa."😂😂

They laughed too, but probably thought, hoiaue, this girl and her smart-ass mouth. 🙄

A few days later, there was an unusual, small spotting of brown blood on my underwear. We decided to take a pregnancy test. Then another one. The lines on both the tests had one bold line and another faint line, so we weren’t sure what it meant. We sent the picture of our pregnancy tests to Nela's friend and uncle in the medical profession for their insight. We learnt that the spotty brown blood was called implantation bleeding. And as Nela's uncle put it "The rocket has landed". 😂 That was how we learnt we were pregnant. It was around the end of May.

Obviously, we were really surprised but pleasantly surprised. We immediately talked about putting money aside to start a sinking funds as well as the lifestyle changes (i.e., no more alcohol and fewer house parties) and our chores reallocation (i.e., Nela to do laundry and all heavy lifting until further notice lol). We only informed a small, small handful of people that we were expecting, and it was a happy little secret. A quick calculation based on my last period suggested I was in week 3 or 4 of pregnancy and we were told to hold on for 6 more weeks until our first scan. We were excited.

However, just two weeks later, I saw more tiny drops of blood. At first, it was small specks, brown. Then it turned to bright red specks. There was no pain and a quick online search suggested it wasn’t something to be that concerned about. Then the specks got bigger and bigger, and it became a gradual flow of bright red blood. Small clots of blood, the size of peas were swimming in my menstrual cup. The blood clots eventually grew to the size of a small grape, a small marble. My gut feeling (and high school biology knowledge lol) told me something wasn’t right.

I immediately checked in with my nurse friend, Mapu. She asked about my bleeding, how long it was going on, and whether I felt any pain…and when I told them about the blood clots, she got very quiet. Mapu urged me to take a pregnancy test again and go to the hospital for an emergency check-up and scan and even arranged for us to meet a doctor. The feeling of dread was growing in me.

The following day, we took another two pregnancy tests again, just to be safe. We got one from Neeru Pharmacy and a cheap one from the Fale Siaina (Fortune Star). The results were as mixed as my feelings. The pricy pregnancy test from the Pharmacy came out as positive, and the cheap pregnancy test we picked from the Fale Siaina came out as negative. It was a real “What the fuuuuuuck?!” moment.

We went to the hospital later that day, and Dr Christie in the Obstetrics department helped us out. We were the same year in high school, so it was easy and casual talking with her. Based on my last period, she told me I could either be in week 5 or 6, but it was very early pregnancy, and many things could go wrong in the first trimester. I asked for a blood test, but Christie told me they were out of blood tests (lmao, Tonga Hospital, wasn't surprised) so we did a urine test as well as a scan…and the results came out as negative. There was nothing.

"So why do you think one pregnancy test came out positive, and the other negative?", I asked.

"I think one test is more sensitive than the other. It probably picked up on the small remaining hormones in your urine and came out positive".

"It's weird, isn't it. That 3 out of 4 tests came out positive and there's nothing. Haha"

Our check-up only confirmed what I had suspected. That I had miscarried so very early in the pregnancy.

We didn’t talk much on the drive back home from the hospital. We probably did talk, but I don’t remember our conversation at all. We were both processing the information and switching the gears in our own ways.

My sister came over that evening, as well as one of Nela's friends. It was to discuss an online class they were all doing together. We ate pizza and Singapore Chicken, and the whole time, I smiled and laughed politely but I wanted them to hurry up and leave. If it was just my sister, I'd already have told her to leave, but they were having an animated discussion between the three of them. Nela had a night shift that evening as well, and I also couldn't wait for him to leave for work as well.

As soon as the house was empty, I cried myself to sleep. It was my birthday the following day, but I didn’t feel excited or happy about it anymore. Nela came back from his shift the morning of my birthday and I was still in bed crying. We curled up in bed together, me still shaking with tears and Nela just hugging me tightly.

“It’s a nice, sunny day today”, he whispered. “Happy birthday.”

“I don’t feel like doing anything today.”

“Let’s just go outside, maybe you’ll change your mind. It’s a really nice day”.

“Mm. Maybe”. I turned on my mobile data, and all the Happy birthday messages pinged incessantly. The sound was giving me a headache. I scrolled through my friend’s messages, a heart reaction only because my eyes were too red and puffy to make out the words clearly. I looked outside the window. It really was a beautiful sunny day.

“Fuck it. Let’s go”.

It was too nice to stay in bed and cry all day.

All we can do is try again and wait.

Until then,

We'll wait for you

with love.